The Ultimate Guide to the Secret Training of Ninjas

I think a lot of people are confused about what it actually means to be a Ninja. Unfortunately the entertainment industry has really focused in on the outward characteristics of Ninjas (fighting, magic, invisibility, good at Math, etc) but the truth is that the spirit of the Ninja is stronger than even the steel of a Hatori Hanzo blade.I have spent 25 years of my life living the life studying to master the discipline of the Ninja. The discipline of the Ninja is to be able to do exactly what needs to be done when it needs to be done. No hesitations, whatsoever.I have found based upon Numerology within the code of the Samurai (The Hagakure) the actual rules for training the mind, body and spirit to be a Ninja. I have since adapted these to modern day living (let's face it, there are very few icy rivers to stand in or bamboo forests to slice down with my fingertips in LA). For the last 25 years I have followed the rules of Ninjitsu to strengthen my spirit. Below are some of the key geponents of training in the way.1. Drink 14 shots of espresso before going to sleep and meditate to slow down your heart to sleep.2. Sleep on a bed of broken glass and stinky garlic to train the body to block out external impulses.3. Herman Miller chairs are for filthy-non-Ninjas. Sit in a horse stance at your desk.4. Don't use the Internet - it just makes you lazy, actually use a map to find addresses and a phone-book to order pizzas.5. Read a book everyday (that doesn't have a lot of pictures in it) and memorize every word in it. This will train your Ninja mental skills.6. Dry-fit is for the weak. Excercise wearing only canvas or denim.The physical abilities of Ninjas are not what it is all about. Being a Ninja is about having the ultimate discipline in life to get the job done...granted, sometimes that may involve embedding a shurikan into the forehead of a bunch of gun-toting drug-dealers, but sometimes a guy has gotta do what a guy has gotta do.By following the code of the Ninja, I have been able to improve all aspects of my life. I now hold the Guiness Record for taking the most kicks to the head before blacking out and for the largest wad of chewing gum. I am now the Assistant to the Assistant District Manager for my Car Dealership. I owe all of these acgeplishments to my Ninja Training.Ninjas ROCK!
Additional Update************
Unfortunately a lot of non-believers in the Awesome powers of Ninjas have told me that this is really confusing and that I am a loser. Ninjas throughout history have always been misunderstood and it is the reason that we have to live the super-secret life that we do. The secrettraining of Ninjas is also extremely geplex and would honestly take a lifetime to really understand...but these are the sacrifices that I have had to make on my path to being a Ninja.
Just last Friday night when I was playing Dungeons and Dragons with my Ninja clan, my Ninja brother Herbert was remarking how his boss at the Electronics Boutique reprimanded him for yelling a Kiaaaiii at shoppers in the store. His boss really doesn't understand that actually the Kiaaaiii is a secret Ninja technique of mind control to inspire shoppers to make purchases (and not just from the bargain bin). I would actually like to laugh at the fact that by not allowing brother Herbert to use his training, they are probably losing millions of dollars in sales. I won't laugh at him though because Ninjas never show their true emotions even when other people do the most ridiculous things.
So I know that a lot of you don't believe in the secret training of Ninjas and may actually think that Iam foolish and probably have a Wisdom of -4, but I will leave you with a Zen parable that my master told me while training:
Two monks and a Ninjawere walking down a muddy road when they gee across a beautiful lotus blossom on the side of the road. The first monk stops and says, "I would like to pick that blossom and carry it back to our master to show him its beauty". The second monk stops and says, "It is better to leave the lotus there, and meditate on the beauty of it so that it can always be with us". The Ninja keeps on walking and says, "Idon't need to evenstop and look at the lotus, because I am a Ninja, and Ninjas are more awesome than even that lotus"
Ninjas ROCK!